But what to wear?

 

When confronted with this question countless times the answer is usually easy- a tee and shorts for most casual events but apparently the platitudinous ‘what to wear’ has now become something of an evaluation for me now that I’m a train crash away from thirty (13 months to be exact) and I feel like derailing my entire wardrobe…why did I ever buy those shoes? Just a quick glance at my shoe rack and I feel a mini panic attack coming on.

The outfits that I considered cute and sexy for many years looked dated on me, not because they were old but because I was. Not a jab at being old because this isn’t the age type of old I’m referring to, this is that feeling I get when I see myself reflected back in a micro mini and six inch heels. THAT sort of old feeling, some of you reading will identify immediately.. its just when you know you’ve not outgrown your clothes but you’ve outgrown your style.

I’ve found myself being attracted to all the clothes I would have scoffed at as a young adult; the longer hemlines, looser fits, brighter colours..wow..just colours, lol. At some point in my life I had come to accept the colour black as part of who I was,black was the colour and if it wasn’t black it was faded black, my second favourite colour. All things black including souls were very popular in the late 90s, 2000s.

The very idea that I would consider wearing light or brighter colours as part of my fashion style speaks volumes about the shift that I find myself experiencing in this area. For myself and many people, our clothes tell people a little bit ( or a lot ) about who we are without speaking to us. When strangers stand out in a crowd its often times because their outfits have that certain je ne sais quoi about them, it speaks to you without them having to. And they’re all saying different things.

 

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Some say ‘I like luxury’, some say ‘ I like attention’ while others like me were saying ‘I don’t really know if I want to be classy or I want to be trashy’, harsh? not even. My former style could be considered homeless at times. I loved to wear barely there shorts with barely there tops, a true reflection of what I was at that stage in my life – barely there. I was not in the best state that I could have been in mentally, emotionally and spiritually and without meaning to I dressed like I didn’t care  because I didn’t. I was going for the messy, sexy look but looking back it was undeniably more of a mess than anything else.

I’ve stopped trying to dress sexy because its already who I am not what I need to project. Sexy isn’t anything I could wear, sexy was something that came from the confidence within.  Sure someone could’ve told me that, I’m sure I’ve even read that in some women’s magazine testimonial or something but truthfully I had to  pillage through heaps of bad choices and outfits to personally understand the concept.

And while I maintain through exercise, a reasonably good shape, this doesn’t make me want to continue showing off six inches above my knees anymore. I’m certainly not judging anyone that does either but I do see now how style  evolves with  personal growth ; the internal influencing the material ….and not the other way around.

Oversharing feeds personality disorders..

If you don’t love yourself (the person you are when no one else is around) then its more than understandable that you can’t have real love for others either.
We can’t build ourselves up when we are determined to bring others down just because we are upset by how we see them living their life..esp. on social media.

If you ever find yourself making comments or being involved in conversations about the way a person looks or judging them for absolutely no reason other than you seeing something in them that you don’t think should be there then you need to check yourself.
I think we all have had to ‘check ourselves’ at one time or another for varying reasons and that’s okay…but not ever checking yourself & thinking that being a bad bitch or a G justifies you really being an asshole then only you can help yourself because the good people around you won’t want any part of that miserable mess.
I recently learnt that some people I have known for a few years and have shown me support during my chemotherapy phase were just doing that for their own little kicks. One of them in particular would often reach out to me and invite me to visit her up in the country side was an active participant in ‘bashing’ me for not ‘seeming as though i really have cancer’. What is that supposed to look like exactly?
The same people who were praising my strength and composure throughout this adventure (because I think the word ordeal denotes a negative experience and mine has been a learning one for the most part) were secretly viewing my posts and pictures and judging me for being a ‘stoner’, and generally for appearing as though I have no care in the world.
I immediately blocked these people from being able to see my information on social media but then I was forced to face the reality that they are the devils that I know; there are still the ones I don’t know who maybe masquerading as my supporter but are hating on me in the dark. And so I was forced to reevaluate everything I share online. I have also tried not to ‘over share’ but it seems as though I need to not share my joys or (especially) sorrows in any format whatsoever; half of the people clicking ‘like’ and ‘lol-ing’ are doing this with sketchy intentions. They are energy vampires – whether they’re aware of this or not its become a ‘way of life’ for them.
I don’t think enough of us are aware that narcissism is a real disease that its probably affecting some of the people we interact with, those people who seem so very selfish and we wonder why; those who pick fights for no rational reason than because they ‘like drama’, those who can’t keep friends because they don’t know what friendship is and especially those who blame others constantly for their displeasure with their life. Generally these people are just miserable as fuck and want to make those around them feel the same way.

My focus is on taking care of my health and raising breast cancer awareness, the latter I will overshare as much as I can because I hope to affect change in the detection of this disease. I’m uber skeptical in what I post about myself as it relates to going through treatments – seems like with all the pseudo empathy available I stand a greater risk of having bad vibes directed my way than positive ones. While I know no one can corrupt me from my purpose I would rather not encourage them to even think they can by offering them a glimpse into my life they don’t deserve, even if its just peeping through the facebook veil.